SNAILAMANIA
by The Sugar Plum Fairy
Summary: There is a murder while Grissom is bug racing, and Nick ends up on a frantic search over Las Vegas looking for lettuce! Tiny bit of GS! R&R please!


SNAILAMANIA!  
  
'Come on speedy senora! Win this and you will be the fasted snail in the whole of Las Vegas!' shouts our favourite entomologist (for you out there who are pretending to be CSI fans and have not got it yet- its Grissom). 'At 3meteres per hour you'll be serious competition for Sweet Yet Suave Sammy the Snail from Sunny San Francisco!' Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of a pale white arm hanging out underneath a door. In a well practiced motion he grabbed his custom made Las Vegas Police Department pager and contacted the rest of the team. With a sigh he took one last glance at Speedy Senora, who to his delight had managed to move a further 2mm in this time, and set off to take control of the situation, whilst solemnly promising an oblivious Speedy Senora he would be back in time for her moment of victory.  
  
At 2AM in the morning 4 pagers went off in various places in Las Vegas.  
  
At the irritating beep Catherine jumped out of bed and systematically dressed and left the home in a record 3 minutes knowing full well she would not be home for at least 24 hours. She also leaves her eight year old daughter alone at home in the middle of the night without (a) Telling her Or (b) calling a sitter An act which would get any other parent in the whole of America arrested.  
  
Sara looks up from her second home- the crime lab where due to desperation she is trying to solve the murder of a 24 year old cat that died under mysterious circumstances on a freezing cold day according to his eccentric owner who has more cats that sense. Realising a case has come she jumps up with glee, smiling to herself as she realises she may beat her record of 256 hours and 31 minutes on the job. Her day could not get better.  
  
When Warrick's pager went off he was sat drowning his sorrows in a scotch on the rocks. He did not know how to break it to Grissom. To try and support the labs favourite snail he had placed a bet on Speedy Senora only to discover afterwards he had (a) Bet on the wrong snail And (b) it was not a snail but in fact a slug. He was not sure which Grissom would be more disappointed in him for- succumbing to the evils of gambling (yes my conscience is clean if you want to go and waste money on gambling because I told you not to!) or for thinking that a slug was a snail. He drained his glass and left to face the music.  
  
'Come to Super Shelly's Snail and Slug Spectacular Show!-NOW' Nick blinked-was this some kind of dodgy message from one of Las Vegas' seedy bars? What had he been dreaming about? He read it again. Come. To. Super. He paused and finally realised (or at least thought he did) it was a code. Good one Gris he thought to himself. Feeling smug he sat there for a few minutes before finally realising it-it was a code but what did the code mean? He sat there gazing at the cheap pager trying to translate the code.  
  
Sara arrived first and just as her car pulled in the message fitted into place. Grissom was racing the labs prize snail and he wanted her to share the special moment when the snail rushed across (or s-l-o-w-l-y crossed) the finish line. She swooned. It was sweet.well kind of, if you (a) Like bugs (b) Wanted to watch them race ever so slowly © Like the strange men who get pleasure from watching insects crawl  
  
Warrick arrived next and when he saw Grissom's car outside he knew the truth. Grissom had bribed the bookie to tell him when he made a bet. He knew he had mistaken a slug for a snail. He was in for it.  
  
Oh My God though Catherine as she walked in and saw the small defenseless bugs creeping down tiny lanes. Well at least that explains where Grissom goes for a week at a time. Not a sordid affair. Not a psychopathic murder. Not a secret child. Damn she thought to herself, being a CSI makes you soooo much more inquisitive than being an exotic dancer.  
  
'THE FRUIT AND VEG STORE' thought Nick as he finally cracked the code, 'Grissom needs lettuce and thinks I'm the guy to get it'. Happily, feeling impressed with himself Nick drove off to buy the best lettuce money could buy (or at least the $55 dollars in his bank account).  
  
Slightly confused the crew all walked into the 'spectacular show' (except Nick who was happily discussing lettuces with the attractive sales person who now thought he had the personality of a limp lettuce as he earnestly discussed Chinese lettuces, rounds lettuces and the all famous iceberg lettuce.) 'There has been a murder' Grissom said stating the blatantly obvious since (a) They are only needed when there is a murder (b) There is a dead body in a body bag in clear sight 'At a bug place....' Catherine added before she could stop herself prompting Grissom to give her a long and supposedly meaningful look. 'At 1:56AM I found the body and it looked as if it had been there for about an hour (how do they know these things?)', Grissom informed the team, 'the deceased is the owner of Supersnail 1, 2 and 3. At this point they all rolled their eyes (even Nick who could just not believes Vegetables 'r' Us only sold 11 varieties of lettuce). 'So you're telling me this guy was murdered because he had a pet snail' said Catherine skeptically. 'Precisely' said Grissom before launching into a riddle which we the viewers do not get and most of the crew do not get. 'The evidence is in point of his life' said Grissom. 'Which in this case.' 'Is a snail' finished Catherine, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. 'Where ahem can we find this Supersnail' said Sara trying to hold back her laughter whilst Warrick looked around the room and burst into hysterics at the sight of a group of grasshoppers with pompoms on their backs. Following Warrick's gaze Grissom informed him 'That's Gerties Green and Mean Grasshopping team of cheerleaders. They're rehearsing for next weeks cheerleading finals. They're pretty good - they should beat last year's champions - Charlie's Chewy Cheerleading Cockroaches!' When given this scenario the team burst into fits of laughter except Grissom who added 'You'll be sorry when you go home without the trophy and a years supply of 'Scoobies Scrumptious Sugar free Snail Steaks'' 'Are they for humans or snails' inquired Warrick thoughtfully thinking maybe he could get back in Grissom's good books by taking him out for a snail steak, or if they were for snails taking Grissom to join him and to watch Speedy Senora very slowly eat a snail steak.  
  
'Operator, Operator I need a lettuce' screamed Nick into his cell phone whilst rummaging through a giant freezer of apples, tomatoes and pineapples. The slightly dazed operator thought about what Nick said and then presuming he was either high, drunk or plain crazy since you can buy a lettuce in any seven eleven, spar or Wal-Mart at any time in the whole of Vegas, said 'Right then, where are you?' 'Between apples, tomatoes and pineapples' replied Nick. 'Are they moving after you' asked the operator sympathetically as she knew many people had frightening hallucinations. 'How did you know' replied Nick as he dislodged a huge pile, 'They just keep coming at me, some are rolling, some are bouncing- I'll have bruises everywhere tomorrow' Remembering her training where she was told to try and help high or drunk people by getting them to drink water, she said coaxingly, 'Drink a glass of water' Nick then replied 'but what about the lettuce?' 'Don't worry' said the operator, 'When you drink a glass of water the pineapple will turn into a lettuce' 'What kind of lettuce?' said Nick who could not believe his luck. 'Oh a super lettuce' replied the rather worried operator, 'the best money could buy' With this Nick grabbed the nearest pineapple and bottle of water and went to the checkout.  
  
'Catherine, you take the body to the morgue, Warrick and Sara-you're with me' said Grissom as Sara's face lit up at the prospect of spending more time with Grissom even if it was with bugs, whilst Warrick got that feeling in his stomach as he realised Grissom was onto him- he knew he'd mistaken a slug for a snail and was going to make him suffer. When they looked at where the body had laid they noticed various slimy trails on the floor surrounding. 'OK. Warrick you take the prints and Sara you find the snails.' At this Warrick and Sara burst out laughing at which Grissom added 'Each snail has its own set of tracks- any one who's read A Guide to Americas Slowest and Slimiest Beasts would have known that. In disbelief Sara started following the snail tracks muttering under her breath how she used to find this amusing when she was six. Grissom then sneaked a peek at the track to find the Speedy Senora was now neck to neck (or shell to shell) with Wailey, Bailey, Snailey.  
  
'Man' thought Nick as he finished his eleventh glass of water and headed back to the store to buy another, 'what's a guy gotta do to make a pineapple turn into a lettuce?' As he was buying another bottle of water he muttered under his breath about how nobody appreciated lettuce. 'Pardon' said and elderly gentleman with a Texan accent, 'But did you say you wanted a lettuce? I'm the owner of Vegas' finest lettuce plantation; 5 times winner of Salad Bowls' best lettuce, 3 times winner of Vegetable weekly's finest grown lettuce, 4 times winner of Lettuce Lovers best lettuce variety . Not believing his luck Nick burst in, 'Have you got a lettuce for me?' 'Do I look like Santy Clause?' asked the Texan lettuce lover? 'I don't carry a big brown sack, wear a bright red costume and go ho ho ho whilst giving out lettuces.' Seeing Nick's crestfallen face he added, 'but I do have some at my plantation down the road, it's only a five minute walk, I'll see what I can do.'  
  
'Hey Gris I've got the snails' said Sara trying not to think of the slimy creatures in the plastic bag she was holding in front of her, 'What do you want me to do with them?' 'What do you usually do with your prime suspect' asked Grissom 'Arrest them' said Sara stupidly prompting Grissom to break into a smile. 'I was thinking more of keeping them under close observation' he said watching her cheeks change from a rosy pink to a deep red.  
  
As she turned to go Grissom casually added, 'You may want to open these bags- snails require twice as much oxygen as a dog, a cat or a mongoose.  
  
'Here you are sonny' said the Texan lettuce lover's wife, 'try a bit of lettuce pie with lettuce ice cream whilst I get you a glass of .' 'Lettuce juice' finished Nick smiling. 'No,' said the lady looking puzzled, 'orange juice- lettuce juice is only for Sundays'  
  
'You're not going to believe this' said Catherine down the phone to Grissom, 'this man was murdered she paused for effect - at a snail race!' 'It's a very competitive sport' argued Grissom before asking 'What were the stomach contents?' 'A ham and pickle on rye, a coke, a chocolate ice cream and some lettuce'  
  
'I moved them to a bigger bag and I even added air holes at the top bat but still number 3 'That's Suzy the Shagadelic Snail' said Grissom correcting her. 'Well shaggy had died' finished a frantic Sara. Grissom's reaction was not quire what Sara was expecting 'Yes' he yelled jumping up and down almost as energetically as the cheerleading grasshoppers 'another contender out of the way- 21 to go!' he said before guiltily straightening his glasses and pretending it did not happen whilst his cheeks went a deeper red than Sara's.  
  
'You want an autopsy on a snail who is barely and inch long' said Dr Kelly 'And to know the stomach contents' added Sara sheepishly, hoping she would not lose all her self respect.  
  
'So' concluded the Texan lettuce lover after his explanation of all his prize lettuces, 'which ones the one for you?' 'Well, after careful consideration I'm going to have to go for number 5- the African red which is tangy on the inside and crunchy on the outside' said nick as the Texan lettuce lover nodded in approval. So Nick set off imagining the very small smile on Speedy Senora's face when she saw the lettuce.  
  
The snail was poisoned' confirmed Dr Kelly ' and after a tedious stomach pump we discovered the culprit was poisoned lettuce- next time your Dr tells you to lay of the donuts and eat salad stick with the donuts' he concluded to a bewildered Sara.  
  
'You're not going to believe what I've got' said Nick as he finally arrived at 7.42AM 'du du da duh!' he said imitating a drum roll whilst producing the lettuce' 'You may think what a lettuce- but its not any lettuce- it's an African red' he proudly announced. 'So while we've been working on a murder you bought a lettuce?' Sara added sarcastically. 'Yeah, are you not impressed I managed to solve the code and fetch the lettuce' he said grinning wildly whilst the others glanced around wondering what code? 'Nicky you may just have solved the case' said Grissom whilst Catherine, Warrick and Sara looked on in indignation- he'd only been here 2 minutes. 'Supersnail and Suzy the Shagadelic Snail are in adjacent lanes and before the race it is common knowledge Supersnails owner always feeds his snail lettuce as he thinks it is some kind of energy source. In both the man and the snail's stomachs we found lettuce and they both died from arsenic poisoning. The man must have nibbled some of the lettuce whilst he was feeding Supersnail, therefore consuming the arsenic. You see he wouldn't have seen the arsenic because when in liquid form it is clear so it would just have looked like water on the lettuce.' 'Good theory' said Sara, 'but why did someonelses snail die if he was feeding his own snail?' 'Since they were in adjacent lanes, Suzy is known to be a rather greedy snail, so she must have taken the lettuce from Supersnails lane.' 'But' insisted Sara determined to find a flaw in Grissom's plan so she could have the victory of finding the murder, 'who poisoned the lettuce?' Warrick loosened his shirt while Grissom slowly turned to face him. 'The culprit is Warrick.' 'What? 'Why?' 'Who?' 'Because' continued Warrick, 'I had made a bet on 'Suzy the Shagadelic Snail who was not a snail but a slug and if he died by bet would be cancelled and Grissom wouldn't find out that I'd thought a snail was a slug'.  
  
'Well erm' said Nick uneasily, 'I'm gonna have to arrest you man.' The other stood in silence not knowing quite what to say as the loudspeaker announced 'And the winner of this years Snailmania is Speedy Senora who is sponsored by the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Somehow winning no longer held the glamour for the Grissom as it had before. He was oblivious to the cheers as the watched his favourite CSI turn and look at his friends for the last time outside of a jail cell.  
  
'What do you mean you don't like this lettuce Speedy?' Nick asked the snail who stubbornly refused the expensive African red lettuce Nick had placed in front of him and instead helped himself to the 55cent iceberg lettuce from Spar. 


End file.
